by Amielle Moreno with contributions by Don Noble, David Nicholson and Megan Lee Shelfer
With the written qualifying exam upon them, the Central Sulcus has had limited reports on the status of the First Years (Class of 2013). Through much personal effort and threat to life, we have gathered the following information from the front line. We apologize for the high number of First Years whose whereabouts are currently unknown. The following are the limited accounts that have been gathered:
Mandakh Bekhbat: Our intrepid reporter Mandy, having recently heard about the qualifying exam through Facebook, will attempt to limit her answers to 150 characters.
Varun Saravanan: Reports have come in saying that a matlab script called “pass_quals_lukas” is running on Varun’s computer while he lounges on the couch binge-watching Game of Thrones.
Rachel Cliburn: Rachel was seen singing in a meadow. When asked to comment on her qualifying exam performance she had to stop skipping and think for a moment. “I finished it up pretty quickly,” she said giggling as a cartoon bird landed on her shoulder.
Julianne Freeman: Julianne has been seen wandering campus, attempting to turn in flash cards, haphazardly stapled to exam questions, to the appropriate professors.
Brendan O’Faherty: Brendan has been spotted spending copious amounts of time in the stables brushing his mane and coat. He recently had his tail cropped and has practiced his trot. He is confident that his efforts will impress the faculty.
Elizabeth Kline: The ever-dedicated student, after opening a dusty scroll in the occult section of the Woodruff Science Library, Elizabeth was apparently swallowed whole into a previously unknown dimension. While this finding would be significant to the physics program, we have yet to determine how the Neuroscience faculty will grade such a discovery.
Claire McGregor: Claire has taken her qualifying exam inside the World of Warcraft, with each completed exam question bringing her ever closer to taking on Garrosh Hellscream with her guild.
Maria Briscione: Maria has died of dysentery.
Arthur Morrissette: Professor Dieter no longer recognizes the legitimacy of the Emory Neuroscience Qualifying exams and thus his current rotating student, Arthur, can be found working in lab today.
Dora Guzman: A pipe broke, flooding Dora’s apartment while she was taking the exam. She made a life raft out of quals materials and decided to ford the river. Leaving the ill Maria Briscione behind, she’ll now have enough rations to finish her exam and survive a few more days of grad school.
Phillip Price: In an attempt to avoid the threat of Ebola, Phillip got lost in the country of Texas and proceeded to forget his passport. Consequently, he and his caravan have been navigating the wilderness, having to hunt bison and other wild game. He will be submitting his quals answers as despondent yet relatable campfire songs.
If you are one of our First Years or have word on the whereabouts of those Missing In Action, please submit that information using the comment section below.
May science have mercy on our central nervous systems.