By Amielle Moreno
The football universe ordained the Neurodegenerate franchise with two victories for their three clubs to start off the season. Due to the grace of Jacob Billings, the co-rec Neurodegenerate club was able to invoke the mercy rule on the pious yet factually inaccurate Candler School team. Star movers and shakers in this co-rec game included pre-Neuroscience program student Derick Myrick, Eric Maltbie, and Jadiel Wasson. None of this would be possible if it weren’t for other significant contributions from Laura Newman on defense, and Leila Myrick and other players on offense, adeptly distracting the opposing team away from the area of play while still maintaining possible passing targets. Sam Rose implored Amielle Moreno to move forward on the line of scrimmage, causing her to receive an off-sides penalty. This on top of his insistence during practice to run her curl route longer, causing a black eye, literally added insult to injury. Lukas Hoffmann pulled some girl’s shorts down. The color of her thong was purple. Some stupid doctor that no one will ever talk to again muffed a punt.
A win for the female flag-football Neurodegenerate club, The Action Potentials, was secured when graduate LGBT event drained the opponents of their players. The LGBT event was well attended with refreshments supplied by Bad Dog Taqueria. MORE PLAYERS ARE STILL NEEDED FOR THE GIRLS TEAM. Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Their noses full of snot and fingers, children were left abandoned on the sidelines during the men’s club game. The Firing Synapses squared off against the Ambulance Chasers. Some fatty from the other team had the audacity to strike our dear Jacob’s hand, forcing an illegal interception and touchdown. On the opponent’s team, there were two players that showed the most potential. While a tall athletic player with long legs, wearing white shorts with green trim, first distinguished himself as the most physically developed player, a late entry to the game, with a square jaw, large shoulders yet slender frame, pulled ahead as the most attractive player on the opposing team. MORE ATTRACTIVE MEN’S PHONE NUMBERS ARE NEEDED. Email email@example.com. Once the fans rated the opposing team’s hottness, and the brunt of the child rearing was left to whoever remained standing closest to the children, this reporter grew bored of the game and left. Some team might have won, ask Jacob.
David Ehrlich, Chris Makinson, and Steve Ryan were sincerely missed. Our thoughts go out to their thesis defenses.